How not to invest $50,000

OK, so let’s start with a Las Vegas promoter (what is that by the way??), add in two backwood Georgia crackers (with my apologies to all of my good friends in Georgia who aren’t crackers), one $500 chest freezer from Sears, $100 worth of Halloween gear, and the idiocy that is the internet. Mix it all together and what do you get??

Yep, you guessed it…. BIGFOOT!

In case you hadn’t heard.  While I was on vacation a couple of knuckleheads from GA came out and said that they had shot Bigfoot and had the body.  They would show off the corpse to the world at a press conference at the end of the week in CA.  A little bit later they came out and said “Well we didn’t actually shoot the Bigfoot, we found the body…  While we were waiting for a flatbed truck to move the body out of the woods we were harrassed by other Bigfoots (or is it Bigfeet?).  Either way, they would unveil the body to the world and here are a couple of really bad photos.

Next up, they invite knucklehead #3 (no offense to my knucklehead friends that aren’t complicit in this affair) who hosts an internet radio show on Bigfoots (still don’t know if it should really be Bigfeet?) to come see it prior to the conference.  He does and comes out with a “My God if you had seen what I had seen you would believe it too” statement and mentions that DNA testing has already started.

Fast forward a day and preliminary DNA results come back “human / ape”.  Now enter the “Vegas Promoter” who drops $50K on the Knuckleheads to purchase the corpse in a huge block of ice still in the freezer.  The GA boys put on a half hearted only thinly veiled attempt at a press conference where they announce that they aren’t going to produce a body “in order to protect the species” but they are putting together a crack team of scientists for further study.   Of course the first “scientist” named on the team turns out to be one of the GA boys’ brother.  Sheez!

Well, the whole time the press conference is going on the “Vegas Promoter” is pushing his giant frozen “Bigfoot Corpse” through a microwave defrost cycle that even Al Gore would be impressed by.  And GUESS WHAT?

Yep, no Bigfoot.  Just a mask, some fake rubber appliances and probably some animal body parts.  He freaks out, starts losing his mind and goes after the GA boys.  And GUESS WHAT?  Yep, they are gone leaving behind only a sense of needing to shower, a spit cup full of chewing tobacco, and a Cabelas catalog with $50,000 of gear circled in Sharpie.  DOH!!

BIGFOOT?? No way, not even close. Am I disappointed? Yep. I loved BigFoot as a kid and read all of the crazy books and stories. Even after spending lots of time in the forest over the past 39 years I still haven’t seen one, heard one, or met anyone that did. Much like bell bottoms and free love I think BigFoot drifted into the past with most of the 70s.In the end the DNA results come back….  Oops!  Turns out it wasn’t “human / ape” but actually possum.  I’m completely disappointed that Bigfoot isn’t real but mostly I’m thinking what kind of dufus is this “Vegas Promoter”?

Why would he invest that kind of money anyway? What because the lottery with it’s 1 to 100,000,000 odds seems like such a sure bet?   Or because he doesn’t know anything about trading options?? I mean holy crap! $50K could provide a lifetime of income to someone with a dialup internet connection, a broken down PC, and just a little bit of knowledge.

Mojo

PS - Maybe Bigfoots (arrr! Or is Bigfeet?) are actually just really, really big Possums!?!  That would explain the DNA testing.  If so, then I should be interviewed on the Discovery channel.  I’ve seen several.

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